where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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