:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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