Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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