Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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