I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
