I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.