Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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