hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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