i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
