My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
