I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
