my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Randomize
