Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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