I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
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