One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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