Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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