Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
