Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
drinking out of a sandbucket again
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
