Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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