Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
if only i could text you this smell
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
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I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
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I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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