I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
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Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
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A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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