One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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