epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
