Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
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