I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
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there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
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AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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