this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
