they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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