you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
