Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
