turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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