Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I have already put on my inside pants.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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