i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
