the new term for farting is butt boxing.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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