I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
