She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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