He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
and she was petting her beer can
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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