I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
