I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
