The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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