I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
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I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
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Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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