I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina