My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
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I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
I have a yeast infection.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
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I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime