I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos