I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
