I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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