You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
cat food counts as protein by the way
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
