So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
