You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
