...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
