Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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