girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
