Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Randomize
