At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Drake has all the answers
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
