Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
