can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Randomize
