Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
