Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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