Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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