Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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