Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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